Showing Up

-after VONA For Suheir Hammad and the Magic Room Poets

I gave green light kisses on her eyelashes

to confirm that we were

birthed from memory.

romantic she told me when I wasn’t next to her que:

“tu me haces mucha falta.”

instead of swooning

I translate literally

“I find you missing.”

Worried I am her lack I say

“why don’t you go save the stars?”

Running so I don’t have to face what’s in between.

Sick from the potential I lost her

stuck in the fun house mirror of my dysfunctional misery.

I missed her.

too.

caught between the shoulds. If then. have should.

means harder.

My heart valves flicker, lungs reach

capacity praying for more chest space.

the fight means releasing.

Imperfect beautiful should

confront the magic instead of wanting to flee.

Writer meets air. showing up. fist open.

essential intention. not your savior.

destroying the foundation cause

it’s beneath you. shades people carry as sym

bolic offering.

mind

lost.

again.

not speaking cause of a message too fly to catch.

a contract to cut the junk food lines.

leave laziness behind

even when she gets fast on you.

We here

forming a ritual that helps bring out the truth.

defense shield behind. strength and wisdom

to gather more strength and wisdom.

Redemption transforms I hear.

the honesty in the poet circle is what informs the heart broken.

If I could see her again I would say

thank you for permission.

seeing the god in me when I most wanted to disappear

for tools that work outside this room.

especially for holding silence.

for releasing sweaty palms pushing.

no control over uncomfortable  story.

I am working on betrayed definitions.

a narrowing. a moment that happened before.

staying away from short term symptom relief.

Asking the same questions hoping for no answers. the story remains

a glimmer. that way you learn

and for the sake of all we’ll retire the use of ancestors as a crutch

quit enabling their dysfunction in the afterlife.

bridging slow with tools from the magic room.
A poet in recovery.